Navigating Political and Value-Based Differences in Relationships
Many of us might be finding ourselves in difficult conversations with those who may not share the same political views, or even just values in general.
In speaking with a friend about their relationship, it became apparent throughout the election that they and their partner held different, opposing belief systems. A challenge that was previously undiscussed and was adding stress and uncertainty to the relationship’s future.
I’ve witnessed (and experienced) several shut downs and pity parties, and very little attempts at communication lately. People are not listening to be heard, they’re listening to win. They’re listening to respond. They’re listening with ego.
Something that’s come up for me across several discussions relates specifically to the socialization of men. Most men are not taught or encouraged to talk through their emotions, or label them, they’re taught to win. They’re taught to fight—sometimes physically—for what they believe in. They’re taught that emotional expression is null and void, and physical power reigns supreme.
In viewing the US, I see a lot of anger. And hey, I’ve been angry, too. Many of us have. Although I see a lack of communication across genders, I am particularly interested in the public anger, outrage, and quite childish behavior of men.
Part of the lack of communication and increase in anger, I believe, is a lack of knowing how to verbalize the emotions beneath the anger (google the anger iceberg for a great visual on this). Exhaustion, hurt, fear, feeling attacked, frustrated, depressed, disappointed...just to name a few.
No matter what kind of relationship you’re in (partner, friend, family member, etc.) there will always be some level of compromise. How much of yourself and your values are you willing to compromise to sustain the relationship’s health and growth?
I can’t answer that for anyone but myself. It’s not up to me to tell others what is and isn’t negotiable for them. I can only educate to a point where someone is engaged and willing to listen.
While I fully support blocking people as a form of self-care, and removing “toxic” relationships from our lives, I also, at certain times, see these mechanisms as easy outs from effective communication. Or simply easy outs from “losing.” (Again, this isn’t a catch-all, I know there are certain situations and outliers that warrant these actions.)
We all want change. But if any of us want to see these changes and experience them, we have to learn to listen to one another. And not just listen while waiting our turn to speak, we have to listen in an attempt to understand. And in this space, there may or may not be room for compromise. Many of our values and belief systems will present themselves—and for many of us, these aren’t negotiable. There’s not room for compromise. And it’s likely difficult to believe in a world in which they are negotiable for others (I struggle with this, too).
To quote my favorite movie character, Céline, in “Before Sunrise,” “If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.”